I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
