Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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