Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
thus making me awesome and them whores
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
