The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
