My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
