I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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