There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
