i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
