This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
God I need to hump something, right now.
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