i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
