if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
