I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
