That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Randomize
