she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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