someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
