You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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