My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
