My first STD was from a foam party
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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