i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
this boner is exhausting
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize