My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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