Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
