I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
