How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
