so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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