i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
