It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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