I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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