wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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