Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm sobbing to NWA
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
