Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
