i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
His nipple licking is glorious
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