i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
