she woke up with a sticky ear
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
