Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
