Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
