People in love make me want to vomit
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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