Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My ass is underappreciated
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I did not marry a roomba.
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