Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
