3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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