I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
