She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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