This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
