I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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