On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
