Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
