dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
