Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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