Jerry, you need to find god
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
