Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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