What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
