Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
