At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My cat gives me a boner
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
